Hey you, you are more than your insecurities

Life is a lot better when you are not carrying a truckload of insecurities around.

My earliest memory of insecurities starts with my lips. I grew up in the Angela Jolie era, where every guy was crazy about her full lips and some ladies would have done anything to fill up theirs to look like hers.

I didn't have that particular desire because I was blessed (I can say that now) with full lips. Due to the Angelie Jolie craze that happened as I was entering that weird no longer a child but also not yet an adult phase, I was the target of many guys.

They would be talking to me but actually talking at my lips since that's the only place they kept their eyes. The stares and constant comparison to the movie star made me self conscious as I started to hate my lips for all the attention they were getting.

I would tuck them in all the time, trying my best to keep them hidden from the world. I thought they were too big for my face, ugly and a part I would have given anything to ‘fix.’ 

As an adult, I’m occasionally insecure about these same lips, other parts of my body, skills and several other things. And I am not alone in this. A lot of people are insecure about their weight, colour of their skin, a body part, their work experience or lack of, relationships, the list goes on and on.

Getting to the root of your insecurities

For me, it was comparisons that I internalised. For you, it could be;

• Past criticisms from someone you respect — a parent, older siblings, relatives, teachers, religious leaders, classmates, colleagues, a boy or girl you liked.

• A need for approval — this usually stems from a childhood experience which leaves you stuck in a fearful cycle of needing constant approval and fearing disapproval. 

Inem Udodiong| Christian Creative @Inemudodiong

The way these things work is that they start 'small.' An unkind word here, trauma there, a sprinkling of experiences of failure/rejection & you don't even notice it until you are a nervous wreck, short on confidence & feeling like a fraud even when you are actually a badass.

• Fear of rejection or abandonment

• Social media — It goes without saying that images in social media and the media can make us feel insecure about our bodies and lives.

All of these result in a negative self-image fuelled by unfavourable comparisons with everyone and everything. 

You start to criticise yourself and others with the things people have used to attack you over the years. You are unable to see you as anything good or amazing only as your insecurities which often leads us to act according to the image/negative voices in your head.

This image (unkind narrative playing in our heads) fills us with doubt, low self-esteem as they tell us that we are not good enough, unqualified and unworthy. These voices make us feel like imposters, scared to share certain parts of ourselves, bodies, talents because we are worried we might be rejected.

Father-and-daughter psychologists Dr.’s Robert and Lisa Firestone shed light on what is known as the “critical inner voices” in their book Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice.

“The critical inner voice is formed out of painful early life experiences in which we witnessed or experienced hurtful attitudes toward us or those close to us. As we grow up, we unconsciously adopt and integrate this pattern of destructive thoughts toward ourselves and others,” — Dr. Lisa explains.

The way forward to a new and improved you

So, do we die on the hill of insecurities? Nope, as my cute nephew likes to say. We face them and do the work to overcome them. Here’s how:

Face it head-on

The first step demands that you be a little brave. I know it's scary but this is something you need to do. Don’t worry, I am here rooting for you. 

Start by making a list of the things that make you insecure. Name all of them. Doing these takes away the fear and power they have over you. You can do it in small doses. 

Let the past go

Some people are insecure about certain things because of what their parent said or what an ex pointed out. But you can not keep giving other people and circumstances that much power over you.

Reclaim your body, life by forgiving them for their bad, misguided behaviour, then forgive yourself and start the journey to towards becoming a better you.

Accept yourself completely

Overcoming your insecurities is a lot easier when you love and accept yourself, flaws and all. See your great parts and love them. See your imperfect parts and love them anyway. 

Make a promise to yourself to be kinder and more compassionate with yourself as you embrace ALL of you. After all, they are what make you who you are. I promise this will get easier with time.

Stop comparing yourself with anyone

Insecurities are fed by comparisons so you kill them when you embrace non-comparison. As soon as you catch yourself comparing yourself with how people look, their relationships, jobs, pictures, stop it immediately. 

Instead, recognise that everyone is different, your paths, jobs, bodies, everything is different so there is really no need for comparisons. You are great, they are great too and that’s okay. Trust me, this will stop the insecurities and help you build better relationships.

Be self-aware

You have to be able to recognise when your insecurities try to raise their ugly hands. As soon as those voices start speaking, shut them down immediately. 

2 Corinthians 10:5 (NIV) puts it best — “… we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” The Bible really does have the answer to everything.

Change your perspective

The right mindset is the key to overcoming insecurities and winning in life. Instead of hating parts of yourself and life that you don’t like, flip the script and see them as the things that make you different, things that could make you stand out if viewed differently.

Changing the way you see things changes everything else including your insecurities. 

Starting the journey to overcoming your insecurities helps you become more accepting of yourself, love yourself and others more. You laugh, smile more without the weight of all those annoying insecurities. You are more fun to work with, generally, be around and that’s exactly what I want for you.

Thank you for subscribing and for reading to this point. This is the eleventh issue of the Breakdown. I would love to hear what you think and what you would like me to address in subsequent letters. Please reply with your suggestions by using #TheBreakdownwithInem online or replying to this email.

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