You may be a Ghost!

A growing number of people are choosing the easiest way out of relationships — ghosting.

“I was dating this person then all of a sudden she ghosted on me for about 2 weeks. Yet I was seeing her tweets and retweets. Later on, she sent a voice note saying she needs space and time to be alone. 

Then, she ghosted for another week. No communication or anything. Then she came back like everything was normal. But the relationship wasn’t anymore. 2 weeks later she broke up with me” — David*, 27.

Ghost 101

What David and so many people have experienced is called ‘ghosting,’ a fairly popular dating term for when someone stops answering your texts or calls without explanation. 

Out of nowhere, the person wordlessly fades away from a relationship (or ‘almost-relationship’, or ‘situationship’) leaving the other person feeling worried, confused, hurt and even insecure.

Initially, you wonder “what’s going on?” as you keep reaching out until it finally dawns on you that the person has ended the relationship, leaving you to wonder what went wrong, if you could have done things differently, if something is wrong with you or them.

This growing phenomenon is not just reserved for romantic relationships. It can happen with family members, prospective employers, and even friends. It continues to get popular with social media and online dating.

Why would anyone do this?

Being ghosted sucks so why would anyone do this? Why would someone ghost another person? Here are a few reasons:

• Because it’s a lot easier to leave than to have that difficult conversation where you have to tell someone you are no longer interested. People in this category often rationalise it by saying that they are trying to stop the other person from feeling hurt or bad. They forget that ghosting actually hurts more than that potentially painful conversation.

• The ‘ghoster’ has commitment issues and is unable to express themselves so they would rather just disappear silently. Eben*, 28 falls into this category. 

  He explains himself saying, “She was an old friend, we had just reconnected after some years. I was aware of her feelings for me, but I had communicated how unprepared I was for such commitment. However, since we were reconnecting, we spoke about everything and almost all the time for days. 

  “Soon enough, the feelings were not just mutual, but we began to get really romantic. Nothing physical, but my guilt felt as such. I still wasn’t ready for commitment. When the guilt was more than I could bear, I had to take a break unannounced.”

• The ghoster wants a future option. Ghosting leaves the door open for the person to come back whenever they want. Since ghosting is associated with a lack of closure, it can lead to uncertainty, insecurity and a strong desire for the person left behind to know what happens. 

  This creates the perfect situation for the ghoster to stroll back in whenever they want with an explanation and an ‘I am sorry’ and have the ghosted person take them back.

• The person being ghosted is dangerous or scary. When there is a chance that the person could end up being a stalker or worse, then ghosting can seem like the safest way to leave the relationship. 

  I have definitely been there. I have ghosted a guy because I was worried he would not take it well and could potentially look for ways to hurt me. 

What to do when you are ghosted

It hurts when you legitimately care about someone and they pull a disappearing act without the courtesy of having a conversation. 

But you can’t stay hurt forever. You have to move on and be okay with never getting an explanation. It sucks but the sooner you accept this, the better for you.

Don't make it about you, make it about them. Remember you didn’t do the ghosting, they did, so ignore that voice in your head trying to make it a you problem as opposed to what it really is — a them problem. Let it go and move on. 

Focus on the people who are still around. We have a tendency to focus on only the negative things that happen to us. Resist that urge and pay attention instead to people who have not ghosted you.

Be prepared for it to happen again if you let them back in. Sometimes the ghoster returns to his/her old haunting ground (you). When this happens, make sure you are straightforward about your feelings. 

If they offer a reasonable explanation for their disappearance and you do let them back in, please be cautious. Pay attention to their behaviour to figure out if they are just bored or want to make this work this time. Since it has happened, there is a chance that they could ghost on you again. If this never happens, then you have hit the jackpot. If this does happen, ditch them. 

Regardless of how you look at it, ghosting IS a coward’s way out. It affects the ghosted and even the ghoster since it makes it difficult for them to form long term, meaningful human connections. 

Show people that you respect them by having that conversation no matter how hard it is and show yourself some respect by not leaving that door open to ghosters because you are desperate for closure. You are better than that!

Thank you for subscribing and for reading to this point. This is the ninth issue of the Breakdown. I am excited to get to the big 10 with you on Thursday, August 13, 2020.

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